Happy Marriages Healthy FamiliesPresented by Dr.Mohammed Sadiq
drsadiq@shaw.ca
www.shifa.ca
Objective1. People from different backgrounds migrate to North America. They need to make adjustments to settle down, get married and have children. This leads to cultural barriers. It could be between parents and children or between spouses. It is normal for families to have issues. The objective is to encourage families having issues to get help. They should not try to hide the problem and pretend it does not exist. A lot of people due to cultural reasons hesitate to speak about their problems. This is not normal. We should open up and seek help because all families have issues.
2. Another objective is to listen to lectures and share life experiences. This would create mutual consideration and sympathy rather than empathy. Empathy which can be translated as indifference. We need to change that. It’s not your problem or my problem, it’s our problem. It’s the problem of the community and we, as a community should deal with it. We must encourage interactive workshops for the same.
3. The third objective is to help participants learn new skills by providing opportunities. The old and culture specific ways do not work anymore. They especially do not work with the new generation. We need to find new ways.
What goes into making a healthy community? Husband + wife + kids + family = community
Husband = Healthy individual
Wife = Healthy individual
Healthy individuals = Healthy communities
Essential Ingredients for happy family & community
Summary of Islamic Teachings“O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], and from them both He created many men and women and fear Allah through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship).Surely, Allah is Ever an All Watcher over you.”Surah Nisa.
And among His signs is this: that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them. And He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect." [Ar-Rum 30:21]
Allah SWT created man and from him he created his spouse.
He put love and kindness in their hearts so they live with tranquility and peace.
The purpose of creating man and woman is to populate earth with mankind.
Another purpose is to create natural intimacy. The closest relationship in mankind is that of man and woman.
Comments:Allah SWT created Adam AWS and then Hawwa AWS.He did not create another male companion but a female for his companion.
The relationship between man and woman is not free floating but bound by the marital relationship. In all other species, males and females have different way to attract the opposite gender. This eventually leads to mating and the act of reproduction. The pregnant female is then left to deliver the baby/babies, suffer on her own and take care of the babies. Human beings are not like animals or other species. We have to be accountable in our relationships.
Every relationship should be pronounced, legitimate and accountable.
Allah SWT has admonished us to be fair with each other when we ask each other for rights.
We will be held accountable for this, if not in this world, ultimately in the hereafter.
Volume: 7 Book: 62 (Wedlock, Marriage (Nikaah)) Number: 4Narrated Abdullah:
We were with the Prophet while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah's Apostle said, "O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power."
Parents have been instructed by the Prophet to marry their children young. The reason being that human beings have biological needs that have to be met. If the needs are not met legitimately, they will be met illegitimately and with unaccountable methods. For example, if someone is hungry he will steal to get the food and meet his needs. Give them means to satisfy their needs legitimately.
The wisdom behind prescribing fasting is as follows. When hungry, the first and foremost thing that runs in the mind is food. Everything else becomes secondary.
Marriage serves to protect human beings from family, personal, financial, social corruptions.
Healthy Individuals-have beliefs and attitudes right about life and hereafter
-find balance and guidance that faith provides in pursuit, preparation and success in life and hereafter.
Statistics 45% of marriages end in the first 3 years
80% of individuals develop mental problems in 1st year of marriage.
Case Study 1: Female, 31 years old, practicing dentist, living with mother, wants to get married.
She attended a wedding and met many of her friends who had married. All her friends were now separated or divorced. She told Dr.Sadiq that she’s very happy she is not married or she might also go through the same as her friends.
Young people are educated, working and independent financially and otherwise. They don’t want the headaches of getting married and dealing with marital issues.
We don’t follow the healthy guidance provided to us.
Reason:Too preoccupied with only this world/duniya.Success and achievements only for life here. Not tuned in to prepare for life hereafter.
Always Remember: I came empty handed and will leave empty hand. Someone else will take advantage and benefit of all that we leave behind.
There is a conflict among us, in our innerselves.We know our values and faith. We know our creator and the truth about duniya and akhirah.We have guilt trips of where we are headed.
During the Marriage Preparatory Course conducted by Dr.Sadiq at his clinic in Canada, he raised the following questions.
What are you looking for in your spouse?
What are the must-haves in your spouse?
All the participants answered beauty, how tall, how educated, annual earnings and so on.
Even parents reject good proposals based on such things.
Case Study 2: Female, Somali descent, mid 20s, living and working away from parents.
She meets a Somali guy through community events. They got to know each other over a period of time. The guy proposed to the girl.The girl asked him to talk to her parents. He flew 4 hours to meet with the parents. It turned out the parents already knew the guy and his family. But they didn’t agree to the match. They told their daughter that they know he is a good guy with a good job, actively involved in the community and they like him and his family a lot. The reason they wouldn’t agree to the match is because he belonged to another tribe. The girl belonged to the tribe of chiefs while the boy came from another tribe.
In the community we live in children are taught to think for themselves since Pre K to school.Our methods or the methods of our parents’ won’t work with them.
Don’t try to force your culture on your kids. They won’t take it.
Ingredients for a successful marriage1. Understanding & remembering the purpose of marriage and decide to live by the Quran and the Sunnah.
2. Getting to know each other.
Basic Phenomena: You cannot get to know someone until you’ve lived with them. According to the Prophet’s teaching, to get to know a person you should travel with them, live with them and deal in business with them.
Persona = Greek word from which the word personality is derived. It means mask.
We all wear a different mask according to the occasion.
If you’re going to marry someone, you’re going to put your best foot forward. You’re going to try to impress.
Our differences such as likes or dislikes or holding intellectual discussion are not necessarily important or necessary for a happy married life.
Case Study 3: Very intelligent social worker knew a guy since school, both actively involved in the community, thought they are right for each other. Her parents met up with the guy. They were not completely satisfied with the guy and they told her. She didn’t agree.2 weeks into the wedding preparations she realized this man has only 2 ways, his way or the highway. She became cautious but couldn’t back out.
The doctor met her after 2 years. He couldn’t recognize her. She has changed a lot in her 2 years of married life. She is depressed, lost a lot of weight, out of job; secluded. He asked her why she went ahead with the wedding if she felt this way. She said, “I thought we were compatible. We read the same books, attended the same community events.”
Getting to know happens after the marriage. When you start living with the person, you get to know his/her personal traits such as the habit of snoring or a particular habit of going to the washroom, etc.
The real person has traits & skills, strengths and shortcomings, social, economic, emotional needs. All have strengths and shortcomings. No one is perfect.
3. Accepting a person as a whole.
4. Mutual acceptance and learning to compliment and compensate for each other’s personality, strengths and weakness. Help each other grow and better in their weaknesses. You can no longer say it’s your problem, not mine. No, it’s our problem, our issue.
5. Understanding & properly dealing with the extended families such as the in-laws.
For a successful marriage = husband and wife should start talking about dealing with the inlaws.Then, interference from parents will not matter so much.
Case Study 4 : Traditionally, girls move in with husband’s family. A mother in law told her daughter in law who was born and raised here,”Sweetheart, now we’re your parents. Forget about your parents.”
The girl complained to her husband. And the hubby replied, “I want you to remember something, keep my mum happy or I won’t be happy.”
6. Understanding, clarifying and accepting the role, responsibilities and mutual expectations of the husband and wife.
Case Study 5: Pre-marital session: Visualization of married life.
Close your eyes and imagine a typical day after marriage.
Girl: I’ll go first. We wake up in the morning, pray fajr, recite the holy quran.And since I go to work earlier than you, you will make breakfast for me.
Guy: Whoa, wait up. Who said anything about making breakfast?
We suffer a lot because we expect a lot.
Even from our children, we expect a lot without telling them.
At 15, do not ask your daughter for things. Teach her, tell her what you expect.
7. Make a sincere attempt to fulfill obligations and assisting each other with responsibilities.
Stand up for each other. Be there when he/she needs instead of pointing fingers.
“It’s your job. You should have done it.”
8. Developing love.Peple say I love you. But they don’t know what love is.
Case study 6: A couple came in for counseling. They spent an hour and a half arguing and complaining about each other. The doctor asked the wife, “Do you love him?
The wife replied, “Of course I love him.”
The doctor said,”OK on a scale of 0 – 10, 0 being you wish he’d die and 10 being you cannot live without him. She said, “About 8.”
The husband said,”9.5”
The doctor was surprised. He asked them if they’d like to hear the tape where they were arguing with each other for an hour and a half.
Essential ingredient = sustainable love. Do not fall in love but develop love based on certain inner beauty/characteristics of a person.
Beauty, Athletic body, good looks = all go away with age. Not sustainable.
Character and traits are stable. Find in each other character traits that you value, like, admire.You’re willing to work out the not likable values for the likable ones. This is sustainable love.
Case study 7: The doctor gave homework to the couple. Each one of you independently think about what is beautiful or adorable in your spouse.Somethig you don’t want to change in your spouse and you admire.
Imagine...Although we have problems, I’ve always admired so and so about my ….
Is it something valuable you don’t want to lose it?
The doctor told the couple if they came back with something likeable about their spouse, the marriage could be saved. There was something to build the marriage on.
9. Expecting occasional conflicts and learning to control negative emotions.
10. Effective communication and conflict resolution.
Don’t personalize the conflict.Dont overlook other good while focusing on the bad.
11. Being self focused while looking at faults.
Self focused: Conflict arises and there’s disagreement on both sides leads to a fight. Both should sit back and think about, how could I have contributed to this, what caused this and how can I handle it differently or how could I avoid it.
12. Being kind, caring, willing to self sacrifice for the sake of Allah SWT
You need it, I have it. I will do it for you; I don’t want anything from you.
That’s the spirit in caring.
13. Providing effective leadership. Taking your lead from the principles of Islam (the holy Quran and the Sunnah)
Good leader = pools his resources that is his wife and children, makes the best use, consults with then and makes a decision.
Good wife & children = counsel and give advice
Final authority = husband
If it doesn’t work out, don’t say I told you so.
14. Seeking counsel form each other in all important matters.
Keeping all things in the open-no secrets.
More secrets = more chances of the marriage to fail.
15. Practicing to enjoin all that is good and to forbid all that is evil and bad.Practice.DO not just preach.
16. Mutually satisfactory intimacy.
